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Unplanned parenthood leads to tears, trials and book

Be intentional about parenting, Dan Barber advises, by creating a plan that definines your core values as a family
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Dan Barber, life coach and business owner, shares his parenting experiences in his book Unplanned Parenthood. Mehreen Shahid/OrilliaMatters

What happens when you come face to face with the one thing you’ve been trying to avoid?

If you’re like Dan Barber, your response will be acceptance, even if the situation involves an unexpected baby.

He recently wrote a book, Unplanned Parenthood, exploring parenting and how to handle it when you’re not expecting it to happen.

It's a personal story.

“When Kathy and I got married, it was only under the stipulation that we wouldn't have children,” said the life coach and co-owner of Em’s Café in downtown Coldwater. “That was my only expectation. I did not want children at all.”

His reason for that was also based on his life’s experiences.

“I had been a terrible kid,” said Barber. “I was a horrible person to raise. I put my family through a lot of pain. I didn't want to go through that.”

Without wanting to go into much detail about the circumstances around his childhood and youth, he said, the best way of understanding his life growing up was to look at the prodigal son biblical story.

“I really was that son,” said Barber.

Not wanting to face that situation himself and with his wife on board with the “no kids” rule, he thought that was that — until the day he received a call from his wife.

“She was hysterical, she was crying, she was afraid to tell me that she was pregnant,” Barber recalled. But as soon as she had told him, something inside him clicked: It was acceptance.

“I was surprised because it wasn't what we were planning for,” he said, “but somehow, I guess I just embraced the idea pretty readily.”

Their daughter, Megan Barber, was born six years into their marriage and Alex Barber followed two years later. The two have also contributed chapters in the book. 

“Kids can come into our lives in a lot of different ways,” noted Barber. “Maybe you meet somebody who already has a child or you have a one-night stand and you get pregnant. Sometimes grandparents end up having to take care of grandkids.”

But the book, he said, is really just a parenting book.

“I think anybody can benefit from it. You don't necessarily have to have kids they didn't want.”

The book, which is available in both e-book and print form, can be ordered online through Amazon or Chapters Indigo.

The core lessons contained in the book are around having boundaries, rules, guidelines and a lot of forgiveness when raising kids, said Barber.

Be intentional about parenting, he stressed. Create a plan for parenting by defining your core values as a family.

“We did that when the kids were very little. It's easy to get them to sign off on them at that age,” said Barber. “Know what are the things you want your family to work toward down the road.

“I didn't try to push any of my values in the book,” he added. “I want parents to come up with their own. Think about what kind of family culture you want to create.”

Having a plan is important, said Barber, because tackling things day-by-day breeds inconsistency.

“Children need boundaries and clear expectations,” he noted. “It just makes it safer for them.”

Disciplining kids, said Barber, should be the last resort.

“Also, don't discipline for what you don't teach or train for,” he said. “That's kind of unfair; none of us would allow for that in our lives. If your boss yells at you for something you haven't been taught or informed of, it's unfair.”

Teaching and training kids is where all the work is. Decide ahead of time how you're going to teach and react, Barber said, adding there are long-term effects to some of the decisions parents make.

The book, he said, isn’t just theory taken from academic works. “I only wrote about things that Kathy and I did when we became parents.

“Parenting is very subjective and you may not agree with everything in here, and that's fine,” said Barber. “But there might be something in here that inspires you to implement something for your family.”

The book doesn't answer every question about parenting either, he said, but if parents implement something from the book, it might give them confidence that they're doing something tangible for the long-term betterment of their family.

The next step for him, Barber said, is creating an online course around parenting. He is also planning a book-signing event, maybe in the spring, but no firm plans have been made.

For more information on Barber’s book and to read his blog, visit danbarbercoaching.com.